prioritizing one’s priorities

For oh so long I thought priorities were fairly simple.  Kind of like the Marines:  God/Core/Country.  So, for a person such as myself:  God/Husband/Kids/Etc.

prioritiesYet I realize now it’s not that easy.  Or maybe it’s extremely easy and I’ve tried to put way too much into it.  In particular, I’m finding priorities regarding my husband something to reconsider.  I’ve always felt I placed him high on the list, where he should be.  Yet I realize just [placing] him there is more symbolic than literal.  Honestly prioritizing our relationship means selfishly and unashamedly honoring his thoughts, wishes, and needs.  And I don’t mean that in a necessarily [submissive] way.  It’s not an [I’ll bow down to you, dear.  Anything you want, and only what you want.].  It’s more of an [I love you and want what’s best for you, so I’ll conform.].

By selfishly, I mean allowing myself to thwart the opinions, desires, and thoughts of others.  I’m trying to learn to filter everything through the lens of how it will affect him and us.  That’s not always easy.  Because sometimes others simply don’t care.  Oh, perhaps they think they do.  But who knows?

I think I talk up the balance thing too much.  I try to rationalize.  I let situations and other people trump what is best for my relationship with my husband.  All the while, in my mind, he’s still #1.  But do my actions and thoughts exemplify that?  It’s more than keeping a list in one’s mind.  And again, balance.  I question whether my attempts at conversation annoy him.  Should I leave him alone?  Does he care to be interrupted with my endeavors to prod into his thoughts?

Culturally we establish formulas.  A date night once a month.  Time spent together in worship.  Time doing some kind of activity together.  Do these things and everything will fall into place.  Yet I’m finding it takes more than that.  Again, it’s more than the list.  It’s a total immersion into someone’s life.  It takes a willful concentration.  And that’s tiring and difficult at times.  Yet if he’s the most important person to me, it’s what I have to do.

Otherwise we are two people who live together and most of the time are on friendly terms.  Yet I want it to be so much more.

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