forward looking

I am currently part of a workshop designed for people in my situation.  That being, they are divorced, in the midst of divorce or experiencing a marital separation.  So far, there have been three sessions, and I’m gleaning helpful information and encouragement.  During this past week’s session, it was stressed we should have things in our life we look forward to.  Short term, a little further out, then long term.  It can be difficult [trust me] to look forward to much of anything when your life is in a bit of a crisis.  Yet, I can grasp how achieving this would be helpful.

So here goes…..  What do I look forward to?

Well, tomorrow I have the distinct pleasure of enjoying a lunch provided by my organization at a local sandwich shop.  Myself and two others from my workplace will meet with a gentleman regarding a fundraiser I am running point on.  I look forward to it because…..  well, the obvious – it’s a free lunch.  But more than that, I enjoy planning and processing how we can make the fundraiser fruitful for us and enjoyable for the participants.  I enjoy meeting new people.  I enjoy getting out of the office, especially on a Friday.

Further out?  Well, Spring is here.  Summer is coming.  Son Jamie will be home from college, so I’ll get lots of time with both kids.  Picnics and hikes and trips to the pool.  And speaking of trips, I’ve got it in my mind to try and get to Poland next year.  That’s right….Poland.  A coworker is going this Spring on a mission trip.  I’m hoping he organizes one next year so I can go along.  The Czech Republic, where my daughter will be all next school year, is a walking distance from where he ministers in Poland.  It’s a win/win.  I’ve dreamed of going on a mission trip.  I’d love to see my girl.  And Europe in the Spring….that sounds grand.  What could be better?

fleur de lisLong term forward looking?  I’m thinking Louisville.  As in Kentucky Derby, Louisville Slugger baseball bats, the Brown Hotel, and the hometown of Daisy from The Great Gatsby.  It came out of my mouth today.  Rather suddenly.  Rather abruptly.  “I’d love to move to Louisville and be a part of…….”  You see,the nonprofit I work for has expanded so to speak.   Our CEO gave some rather disturbing stats today during a meeting.  A meeting that quite frankly, didn’t start out having anything to do with Louisville.  But I pointed out a fact during a brainstorming time.  And our CEO agreed.  And he began expounding.  And I [honestly, it’s not the first time] had the happy thought many of us think when we feel opportunity knock….”why not me?”

You see, my son is looking at three more years there as a University of Louisville student.  And if I can convince my daughter to give college in Louisville a try….. well, living there could be an asset.  Sunday dinners with the kids.  Grabbing lunch every few weeks and catching up.  The ability to attend every concert my son participates in.  The gas savings alone!  Trust me, it’s not that I want to follow them.  It’s not that I want to be the meddling mother.  That’s not it at all.  Lately Lexington, my town of ten years, seems small.  Confining.  The work I’d do would revolve around helping struggling youth.  Administratively?  Perhaps.  Hands on?  Maybe.  I’m not sure.  But the stats hit a chord.  And the West End of Louisville sounds so…..I’m not sure.  Right?  Appropriate?

My mind goes.  Partnership with the Speed Art Museum?  University of Louisville music students [one of which is my son] offering music lessons to under privileged kids?  Huge amounts of money donated by Rick Pitino?  How can I make this happen?  Talk of a building already available.  I can commute next year, allow my daughter to finish her high school career the following year.  After that, well, I’ll be free to move on over.  I’m ready to look at housing……

Yes, I realize I’m getting ahead of myself.  Yet I need to look forward.  Not get mired down.  Not fret about the future.  But try to muster up some excitement.

Incidentally, I shed a few tears tonight.  While walking our dog.  I went back years in my mind.  To a time when I felt my husband and I had a calling.  To a point when the Louisville possibility might have been a lovely fit for our family as a whole.  Not for our family as a part.  Memories of a drive by.  An opportunity mentioned.  A drive by a church in the inner city and a quick decision it was not for us.  In Louisville.  I’ve not thought of it much.  We ended up in Lexington instead.  Years have passed and much, much water under the bridge.  Tonight I thought of what could have been.  Maybe what should have?  Probably not.  But that’s where one’s thoughts go in times like these.

Much would have to fall into place.  And who knows?  I might end up in St. Louis or Cincinnati, or back in San Diego after twenty plus years away.  Or I might live the rest of my days right here in Lexington, Kentucky.  And that would be alright if it’s meant to be.  Meantime though, I need to look forward.  Even if I’m looking toward a place I’ll never be.

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