ridiculous

There are days when nothing makes sense.

Days like today.  It’s Spring.  Officially.  It’s also snowing and blowing and when I look out the window I can’t see across the street.

I can look forward.  A few days ahead.  My son’s recital.  It will be good.  Proud moments.  Smiles. Applause.

Tomorrow.  An opportunity to hear a woman talk about her accomplishment.  Sailing.  Alone. Discovery.

Someone told me that in a year things will be better.  Yes, things will be better.  I believe that.

But it’s today.  A ridiculous day despite a delicious dinner made with my daughter.  Despite a two mile run on the dull treadmill that goes nowhere.

Why ridiculous?  Because nothing makes sense.  Why?  How?  When, actually?  Dollar signs. Decisions.  More anger than anxiety and that’s a first for me.  A mind that can’t go to certain places. Can’t go back too far.  Too far back means maybe reality never was reality.

There’s a map of the world hanging on the wall.  Obvious options.  Eighty miles west or thousands around the globe?  Churchill quotes?  Sure they help.  And scripture verses help more.  Much more.

The people who assure me I am strong.  Which seems ridiculous because I feel anything but.  They encourage.  They lift and encourage some more.  They feel.  Actually feel some of my pain.  It’s ridiculous they have to.  It’s not an encroachment because they care.  But it is an interruption and for that I will be forever grateful.

It’s ridiculous to engage.  To be a part, a willing part, of something so harmful to one’s very being. Alterations occur.  And they can’t be controlled.  I don’t get to choose.

 

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