I’ve come to realize there is a next day. When you’re in a struggle, it can seem that you’re barely surviving today. It is nearly impossible to comprehend that there is anything beyond nightfall. That the sun actually comes up the next morning is a surprise. At the very best, it’s day to day. One step at a time.
Yesterday something hit me. Suddenly. An aha moment. Yet it was not a true surprise. It’s like I knew it was coming. I expected it. Yet I hadn’t truly put together the day would arrive when I’d come to the realization.
There is a next day.
And another. And another. Months will continue to roll on. Years will go by. Before I know it, my son will be finishing his undergrad work and moving onto his masters studies. My daughter will spend a year in Europe, return for her last year of high school, then head off to college. Time marches on. It always has.
And just like everybody else’s life, mine will go on. The question is…….
Am I ready? Do I have a plan? Do I have goals? Do I have aspirations? What do I want? What do I need to do?
Alright, that was more than one question. But as I sit here on my front porch as the sun sets, I find myself looking ahead. Forward. I’m getting by today. Financially. Emotionally. Spiritually. But I want more than to simply get by. I face the rest of my life, what could be 40+ more years, yet I am not sure what it will look like. What I want it to look like.
What do I want to see when I open up my front door? How much income do I need? What are my priorities? Ultimately, what does God want me to do with myself? What is the plan? His plan?
All those years I was a wife. Yet that title is no more. Mother, still. But a mother without a life partner. I suppose the title is “single mom”. The future looks very different than it did a few years back. Now I have to pave a way. Or just let the way come to me. But relinquishing to whatever comes doesn’t seem wise or rational. In fact, it seems dangerous.
I believe it’s time to create a map. My map. Honestly, I’ve not experienced this before. Always before it was “our” map or someone else’s. But that is behind me. The future doesn’t ask my opinion. But I can give it, nonetheless.
The world was not wheeling anymore. It was just very clear and bright and inclined to blur at the edges.
― Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises