My mind jumps. From one thought to another. Work to bills to my daughter in a foreign country to my son in another city to spray painting random home objects to filling my car with gas to grocery shopping to yard work and on and on.
There are the angry thoughts….. directed at people. Real people who do stupid things. Glad there are still men willing to beat the s*&% out of other men if need be.
Even if they’re just television characters. Because tv reflects real life, right? I was never really for violence before. But thoughts….too many thoughts….can make one glad when a little justice ensues. Big brother. Not in the 1984 sort of way. But the literal, big brother who will not let anyone get the last victory. Even if it’s all pretend.
The little fears…… running into people. People from the not so distant past. Questions. Greetings. Joyful updates. Lunch with a friend. Fine and good. Yet often avoidance. Please do not see me because I don’t know what I’ll say if you do. Explanations. Reasoning. People who don’t want me hurt. Who’ll go to lengths. Even though they shouldn’t have to. It’s not their role to play, but they accept it.
A movie that makes me cry because people can be so selfish. So consumed.
Maybe I am looking for something that is never going to be real. Questions. Is hope just a crutch to get me through the week? I become more and more like the seventeen year old girl I was in 1985. I guess I missed her. Have always been her. She just now has a few wrinkles.
Take every thought captive. Easier said than done. People’s favorite question. “Where are you going to church?” Sometime it’s, “Are you attending a church?” They are trying to be helpful. I know that. And I appreciate it. But often, it’s like a diagnosis. “Are you taking your medicine? Because, if you just would, you would feel so much better.” And I’m not sure if that’s truly the point of church attendance.
Yes, I’m defensive. And often I feel self righteous. That’s not my end goal. I’m not even sure if I have an end goal.
There are a lot of questions. Practical ones. Cars. Finances. And many abstract as well. I think of the line in a book I read a short while ago…….
Thanks, John Green, as it’s his line. Actually, it’s not his line, but he uses it in his book. The credit goes to François Rabelais. But it’s true. I seek a great perhaps. In areas too personal to mention on a blog anyone with access to the good old world wide web could read. By the way, I apologize because I believe I’ve used the above quote before in a blog. Maybe. But it is a good quote, from a good book. You should read it if you have not……Looking for Alaska. You will most likely cry. Or become temporarily depressed.
Yes, my thoughts are scattered. From anger confessions to book recommendations. I am off to mow my yard….