This has been the worst week. At least the worst week in a long, long time. Truthfully, the worst since I was faced with the multitude of situations that coincide with divorce. I won’t go into the specifics, as I don’t care to be one who airs my dirty laundry. Let’s just say by Wednesday I hit a pretty low place. Once I checked myself into my bedroom for the night, I had my version of a mini breakdown. I vowed to myself that change must come, although I must, like the Serenity Prayer states, accept the things I cannot change. I also told myself tomorrow is a new day and gave myself the order to wake up, kick myself in the arse and get on with it. It being the rest of my life. All that was well and good until I awoke on Thursday with a fairly decent headache and multiple police and fire vehicles a few houses down the street. Par for the course though, on my street. And it seems no one was hurt. So I proceeded with my day and as of this moment, am continuing on with my life (yay me, right?).
My outlook has indeed, improved. Friday night my son and I attended a Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra concert featuring my second favorite classical guitarist…..Pablo Villegas. My first being my son, of course. Upon leaving the concert, we headed into near blizzard conditions. Yes, blizzard conditions. In April. In Kentucky, which isn’t exactly the frozen tundra. I was actually quite anxious driving back to Louisville, as I could not see much of anything for a while. But, we made it.
Today, Saturday, is Prom Day. No, not for me. I’m thirty years past that and for whatever reason, was not invited to be a chaperone. My daughter, a high school senior, has gone with a group of friends. I was though, fortunate enough to be allowed to help her pick out her dress, alter the straps on said dress [I am feeling quite Martha Stewart-esque, as I’m not much of a seamstress], do her hair, paint her nails and provide my photography skills.
Prom is different than in the 1980s, let me tell you. Yet, it’s also much the same.
Currently, she’s at prom. My son is in Louisville. I’m at home, listening to the fireworks set off by the Lexington Legends minor league baseball team whose field is quite near my home. They must have won tonight.
I’ve put in a lot of miles this week. Mentally and figuratively, as I’ve dealt with very specific situations and actually traveled these routes:
- from Lexington to Louisville and back on Sunday
- repeat above on Tuesday
- repeat above on Thursday
- from Lexington to Cincinnati to Louisville on Friday
- from Louisville to Lexington today
There are weeks which are the best and the worst. Hearing my son perform. Accompanying him to the symphony. Helping my daughter prepare for an evening she’ll remember, at least bits of, for years. Sharing life moments. Yet knowing, despite all the good, all the laughter, all the joys, sometimes there is nowhere to go but forward. Telling myself I will never end up where I was on Wednesday again. Sure, I’ll have lows. And I’ll have struggles. And sometimes, despite family members who would move the world for me and friends who are always available, I realize that I am, in many senses, very much alone. Which can be incredibly freeing. But at times it doesn’t evoke the positive and I feel quite solitary.
I read this, interestingly on Thursday morning [day after my meltdown]:
Help us to forgive ourselves. None of us has become who we thought we wanted to be. We thought our life was going to be so different. Our judgement is not greater than yours. Free us to forgive what you so readily forgive. What you have let go of, help us not to hold on to. ~ Richard Rohr
I hold on to things. People and situations and regrets and a whole lot of other stuff. I need to let go. Because there is so very much I cannot change. Yet so much I can, so here’s hoping. I also need to forgive myself. Because many days I realize I haven’t become who I thought I wanted to be.
My daughter and I have heard a song played on the radio lately, over and over. Some of the lyrics are interesting, in that they, in many ways, fit my life as of today.
Oh, it’s just me, myself and I
Solo ride until I die
‘Cause I got me for life
(Got me for life, yeah)
Oh I don’t need a hand to hold
Even when the night is cold
I got that fire in my soul
I don’t need anything to get me through the night
Except the beat that’s in my heart
Yeah, it’s keeping me alive
(Keeps me alive)
I don’t need anything to make me satisfied (you know)
‘Cause the music does me good and it gets me every time
Please do not respond to me that I am not alone. That God loves me [I know that]. That I’m taken care of [I know that as well]. My point is not poor little me….I am all alone and sad. It’s that I better be happy with myself “’cause I got me for life” and honestly, I do not need anyone to hold my hand and get me through days like Wednesday. Which for me, is a bit of an accomplishment. Learning I can, indeed, with some advice and encouragement earlier in the day from a few people who really do care about me, make it through the night.