Sometimes everything makes perfect sense. At least to me inside my brain. I am at one of those points currently and I’m a little afraid. Because at some point I’ll reveal some of my thoughts to someone who will try to ixnay my plan[s].
Confirmation though. Yesterday I had one of those moments. Everything becoming just a little clearer. I had an encounter with a counselor. The lady who I saw regularly for a while during a very difficult time of my life. I came across her at a work function, which incidentally took place in a setting that in itself made talking to her even more, well, revealing. I’m sort of a [sign] person. For example, I’ve made minor life decisions because a certain song came on the car radio. Please don’t think I’m some kind of “flighty” type person, because truthfully I can be very.very.very indecisive and I’m a grade A procrastinator when it comes to changing my life.
Back to yesterday…..I gave Lisa [that’s her actual name] a brief update on my life as of the moment and shared what I believe is the best way to proceed in some areas of my life. And she was quite happy for me. She’s pretty wise so I was happy for me too.
I went for a run this morning. I was hoping to beat the rain. But I didn’t. There is something about running while it’s raining that I can’t quite explain, but it clarifies thoughts, maybe? I realized, while avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk that encircles Castlewood Park, that many of the people I care about are living in flux. In between. Waiting for something. Something they know is coming. College. The trip home. Etc. There’s a concrete ending and beginning and everything in between. And I am right there too. In between.
I am not a planner. Like I mentioned I’m a procrastinator. People around me think I’m organized and administrative and all those type things that truthfully, if I am it’s because I’ve forced myself to be. Like adults are supposed to. I could leave on a trip with no real plan though. Just get in the car and go. Life has a way of coming together, right? Yet I have reached a point where if I don’t lay out a plan I will be in this weird state of limbo forever.
I always liked the saying,
You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
Which, incidentally is an Oak Ridge Boys song [hahahahahaha]. My dad was/is a fan. But that’s off topic.
I am at the point where I can’t stay here. And I mean that in a lot of ways, not just in the literal sense. So little by little, as appropriate, I’ll share what’s happening. It’s interesting because of the timing. Thirty years ago I was preparing to go away to college. Formulating a plan. That has changed [and how!] 1000 times since then. But finally the plan is all mine again. Which is frightening yet makes me glad.