I find myself in the middle. Between. What’s happened and what’s going to happen.
Memorial Day weekend is a passage, so to speak. Right? Between spring and summer. Which is where I currently am. Sunday evening. Before dinner. Sitting here typing and considering. Jazz playing while my son cooks.
There’s a haziness to what’s ahead. Foggy. I am not afraid to walk into it. Yet I am uneasy. Unsettled. Unsure. There is no choice but to move ahead. Yet today. Today I’m in between.
I look forward to summer. Warmth. Sunshine. Change of pace. Yet I know summer ends. It must. The very nature of a season is that it ends. A new one, in turn, begins.
As I enter, caught today in the passageway, I wonder. I linger in thought. I imagine. All that could be and will be and might be. If. How different will I look in September? Not physically different. But in spirit. In thought. What will I have recorded in my journal? How will my world have changed? Stayed the same? What will be gone? New? Improved?
There’s a curtain. Sheer. In front of the window. Oh I can see through it. Look outside. Down. Around. Observe. I am free to go out. Down the stairs. Out the door. Into the street. And on my way. Sometimes I enjoy looking out though. Staring out at the creation growing up around me. Beyond my reach unless I make a move. Yet interwoven. Everywhere is reachable by a road. A path. A journey.
I mentioned I am not afraid. And I’m not. It’s true. Yet I am not as diligent as I’d like in the acceptance of change. I am determined. In a wavering sort of way. To seek out the answers. Answer the questions or accept no answers are forthcoming. Though not frightened, I am bewildered. Unable to sort through the overgrowth today. Not sure how I ever will. Am I strong enough? Capable? Should I keep looking out the window? Through the gauzy curtain that offers not a shield, but a transparent white view of what’s beyond.
Songs in church today. Thinking of the lyrics as I played piano. It is Well. You Never Let Go. Songs of the future. The hold on tight right now, look ahead, all will be well songs. I can see a light…that is coming. I believe in the unclouded day situation which is forthcoming. Today though is not that day. Today there’s a mix of sun and clouds.
Anticipation. Hopes. Joy yet many questions. The unreasonableness of it all. Waiting. Life is a waiting game. Do I waste too much time waiting? Do I accept and live? Today. Not considering the unnecessary? I grasp at focus. Still managing, nonetheless. Hold onto who I am. Who I’ve always been. As I pass through the tunnel. The cloudy channel where resistance matters not. Might as well submit. Until the in between is the now.
Then vacate the upstairs room. Touch what before I could only view from afar. And accept. The consequences of being.