My forte this week is not sleeping. Friday morning, 3am, awake. Anxious with nothing exact to pin the anxiety to. Except uncertainty? Lots of “I wonder(s)”…
This previous Sunday was unexpected. An opportunity to hear my son play his guitar and his girlfriend sing. So I took advantage, as this is a rarity. A church service. A job, as in money paid, for them. For me, a short drive to Louisville, brunch with them after, time together. So I happily drove the 70 miles west.
The church service. Different than my usual. Formal. Everyone dressed in Sunday best. Liturgy and explaining to the elderly I am here to hear my son. And his girlfriend. Someone asked me if I was going to video him. When I nicely said “no” someone asked if I’d like her to. Again I nicely said “no”.
A seminary student, not the usual speaker, gave the message. She reminded me of a friend of mine. A librarian. I’ve found in these types of settings, the “sermon” or “homily” or whatever the “label” is…is given as mainly an encouragement. A scripture passage, a story or two, applicable points, and the end. And again, I had the mindset…I am here to hear my son. His girlfriend. Not looking for anything else really.
Let’s just say I didn’t want to hear what she said. It was very positive. Very put together. But the subject matter…I wanted to hear something else. What? Who knows? But not what she said because in reality what she said is perhaps the most frightening of all to consider. For me, anyway. Perhaps not for you. I wrote a poem or what I consider a poem about it that day. I won’t share its entirety at this point for a few reasons, namely because I don’t want anyone to ask me to explain. Why I feel this way. Don’t want anyone to question or try to help because the people I need to help are already helping. As best they can. So please don’t feel left out!
context yes, always context
that message was not for me
went to Louisville
only to hear people I love
eat brunch with people I love
not to be lectured from Jeremiah
as to why
I am slow to process and this has been a busy week. A week in which I have not had time to sit down and reflect and consider whether or not this was a random occurrence I happened into only because I went to hear my people. Or if it was one of those random occurrences which really do matter. One of those “hey the Universe is trying to tell you something substantial” moments and you better take note. How does one know for sure? How does anyone know anything for sure?
Except I wish I could sleep more and I probably really do need to eat more protein. And if I’m not careful, I will never be more than I am at 4am on the first Friday of December. So there’s that.
Another excerpt from Sunday’s rambling thoughts:
this one I’ll file away
not sure I like it
as stated above
not what I wanted to hear
but I rarely do
hear what I want to hear
do you hear what I hear?
that time of year
and all I want
is clarity plus
a tinge of festivity thrown in