expectant

Expectant, I write. Not truly sure where to go. With my writing today. I realize the complexity of waiting. Not as simple as it seems because I grow impatient. Rather quickly.

Wait here. Wait until tomorrow. Wait around and see. Just wait. Wait a minute.

I’ve written about waiting before. But now, today, I am smack dab in the season of waiting. Advent. Yet I tell myself to hurry up. Move forward. Make a decision.

I remember a scenario. Christmas 2003. When our family decided to move to Kentucky. I’m not sure I’ve ever put it together, but we decided, well in actuality we didn’t all decide…Anyway, the decision to relocate was made during Advent. A time when we’re instructed to wait. Mind you, I’m not saying it is wrong to make decisions during this season. But it strikes me as ironic that I again, today, find myself contemplating. Choices. Directions.

I anticipate yet perhaps I am anticipating the incorrect. Should I be quiet, still? Isn’t there a very real difference between seek and wait?

My Richard Rohr Advent devotional. A nice little book. Powerful words. If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you might know I am a fan of Rohr’s, a Catholic priest. In today’s meditation he writes about the kingdom of heaven. The scripture though, from Isaiah 30, says something additional to me.

15 For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,

“In returning and rest you shall be saved;

    in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”

But you were unwilling, 16 and you said,

“No! We will flee upon horses”;

    therefore you shall flee away;

and, “We will ride upon swift steeds”;

    therefore your pursuers shall be swift.

18 Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,

    and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the Lord is a God of justice;

    blessed are all those who wait for him.

Words. Returning. Rest. Quietness. Trust. Strength. Blessed are all those who wait for him. Rohr stresses we live in the in-between. His words:

We live in the in-between and with an excess of hope because there is just enough of “now” to assure us of the “not yet.”

While my thoughts regarding this are a bit off the subject matter he speaks of, I believe my thoughts are valid. I am in the in-between. We all are to an extent, but today, I feel that more than ever. And I so want for the Universe or a little voice or whatever one wants to label GOD to tell me in a very direct way what to do. Yet, again I’m reminded, wait.

The new year will come quickly though. Boom! We celebrate midnight and we are thrown into newness. Forgetting the past. Leaving what we dislike behind. And I ask myself if it will all be clear then. See through like a glass of champagne used for toasting. Or will the darkness of winter still prevail? Muddying my thoughts and telling me to wait just a bit longer. Until Spring? Until sunlight.

I awoke this morning to darkness. Late enough to arise, yet no sun shining in my window. I reflect though to a week ago. The moon, brighter than usual, lighting up the sky. And I feel the exact same way now as then, despite. Darkness in the morning. Light in the night. The feeling is the same.

Expectant. I consider if perhaps I already know the outcome. The ultimate answer. Yet it varies depending on the day. Yes, I’m certain. No, I’m not. Back and forth. Back and forth. Sure as anything. Sure as nothing. Again, living in the in-between. Some say wait until you know. Some say jump, run, skip happily into a new world. And myself, I ping pong back and forth…

Always on the look out for a sign. Signs are simple to create though. If one already has the materials. I have learned what to look for and the ease in which I can proclaim, “look…a sign! I should proceed now in a specific way.” Yet it only takes a short time after to realize I am as uncertain as ever and soon I neglect whatever the perceived message was.

Expectant. I consider if I should expect nothing except nothing. That my original thought of telling myself I don’t have to know today still rings true. If waiting is not the worst. But the great lesson giver. If waiting reveals as opposed to covering up. If I have no other choice but either wait or prematurely arrive. And if I arrive somewhere prematurely, I’m only going to have to wait again, there.

Expectant. I grow tired of the questions people ask. Often it’s the same question. I was asked it twice, maybe three times yesterday in the course of a half hour. If it’s not that question, it’s another. Caring people. Wanting for my best. The best of others. Yet. I am forced to wait. Await an answer. Because today there is simply no point B to head towards. So I remain grounded at Point A.

Expectant. Expecting the best. I know so very little and want so very much. Or is it the opposite? Know so much and want so little. Both make sense therefore I do not make sense. Then I reflect back on the above words. Returning. Rest. Quietness. Trust. Strength. The reality that wait is a verb. Expect is a verb. Prepare. Anticipate. Verbs, meaning action is being taken. And I remind myself, ever so subtly, to give myself grace. 


RR’s book:

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