During the course of a day, a bunch of things can go wrong. Minor, all of them, but still. Annoyances. Receiving a veggie wrap instead of a breakfast wrap. Which makes me wonder if I ordered the wrong thing or the incorrect {wrap} was prepared for me. Too much romaine lettuce and the smallest smattering of black beans…wrapped in a not so great flour tortilla…with a side of tortilla chips…at 9am. When I wanted eggs and cheese. But, not the biggest of inconveniences so I proceeded with only slight hesitation curious if many people get a side of tortilla chips this early?
I left my laptop at Street Scene. Which is a store adjacent to a coffee shop I found myself working in later that afternoon. Same day as the above mentioned wrap incident. I am in the midst of working remotely. At least the majority of the time. I will not list out the reasons why at this point. But let’s just say, at this particular juncture, I’m working at the library, coffee shops, in my bedroom, and occasionally a room once labeled as “my office”. Back to Street Scene. I wandered in after packing up my gear. It features vintage items. Clothing. Kitchen ware. And a few new things as well. I found a faux fur purse and purchased it. And went on my way. Sans laptop, which I left on a chair because I tried on a leather jacket. Fifty percent off but the shoulder pads were too much. So I left it hanging on the wrack. Just as I was about to turn on a main road on my way to drop off a form, I realized. The form is in my laptop sleeve. My laptop is not in the car. So I phoned Street Scene. The young lady who answered confirmed my laptop was on the chair. And I quickly drove back.
I decided to go to boxing class on Friday night. Offered at my local YMCA, I was once a regular. My daughter went with me then. Also a young lady who lived with me for a while. It was generally a highlight of each week. Well…instructors came and went and when I attended the class in January, I realized there’s a new format. Only 10 people can participate. And you have to sign in at the front desk. Not exactly fair, in my opinion, but no one asked me my opinion. In the old days, the class was packed with 20+ people, mostly women of all ages, races and athletic abilities. Not exactly the case now. But alas. Back to Friday. Who would have thought 10 people would have already signed up five minutes before the class began? On a Friday night? Don’t most people have other things to do? I expected to be one of a few. Nope. I was refused admission. After trying to get my boxing gloves out of my trunk which was frozen shut. After running upstairs to grab my daughter’s pair. It wasn’t meant to be.
I utilized a treadmill instead. Along with Jack Johnson. Must I always be waiting, waiting on you…. On repeat. Why? I’m not sure because I wasn’t really waiting on anyone but at the same time I am sure because I like the song and I have other reasons but I’m a song lyric person and I’m not going to elaborate at this point. Sorry for any confusion. I ended my run with Chaos and Clothes which is Jason not Jack, but a boy and a guitar nonetheless and lyrics matter. And frankly, I think Jason is the best lyricist we have today. I invite your comments but I do hope you’re well informed.
My day ended with a phone conversation with my daughter. A nice catch up. And a text from my son stating he liked the birthday gifts I sent him. I actually wrapped up presents and mailed them. There’s too much of this Amazon brown box only business, I think.
So all in all a good day. Miles ran. An early walk and coffee with a friend. Time at lunch with work friends. Yet intermittently filled with anxiety due to a lock down at a high school my workmate/young lady I’m close to plus a smattering of the kids we work with endured. False alarm but yet. Chilling due to a school shooting just the other day. And bomb threats in our district last week. It adds up. The realization I can be broken in a moment. How much of my world is so very out of my control. Mess. That word again. In the lyrics of the song(s). Or the reminder.
That despite coffee and friends and my beautiful children, I am today, somewhat a mess. And I’m not sure that’s going to change anytime soon. I don’t want sympathy or a pat on the back or someone to buy me ice cream. I want no “I’m sorry…”
I do want to not be a mess.
But maybe, just maybe, that’s what we’re supposed to be. At least at times. Someone shared, again another song…what a beautiful wreck you are…and I can’t help but think. No, I’m not claiming to be beautiful. But there is beauty in brokenness. In starting at the bottom (a little hip hop for ya!). Admitting to myself I need to take some time to focus not so much on the past, but on what’s ahead.
My son Jamie sent me a letter. Interesting, right? How often do we receive handwritten letters in this day and age? Well, he needs me to deposit a check for him. His bank has no branches where he attends grad school and anyway…he included some words which made me cry. Encouragement. I will obviously keep the letter the rest of my life…I am thankful for words of encouragement. People who know January was the harshest of months for me. People who don’t feel sorry for me, because I abhor that. But family and friends who offer, in their own stylistic means, glimmers of hope. Like I periodically mention via my blogging, I’m a beauty for ashes type of person. And I saw a little beauty in January. I anticipate more up ahead. Ash Wednesday will be here soon. The year’s absolute best day to consider what a mess all of us are. Yet see, up ahead, the Light at the end of the tunnel. A good metaphorical time on the calendar, whether you’re a religious participant or not. I might be a wreck, but that can change. And will.
*Sitting, Wishing, Waiting by Jack Johnson (surf music and all that…)
*Chaos and Clothes by Jason Isbell (the story goes he wrote this song for his buddy Ryan Adams after his marriage with Mandy Moore ended…it alludes to the situation) …you say love is hell…but it’s the ghost of love that’s made you such a mess… oh yes…nice line, right?
*other musical references you’ll have to look up on your own…if you care to…note there are no more “J” references…well actually…
Upon a Sunny Day 