Sometimes I need a little reminder. Or a big reminder. I look for signs and my kids laugh at me because of it. And yes, I’ve found that “signs” are often my own creations or convenient circumstantial occurrences which mean nothing significant. A certain song playing on the radio. Someone sending a message at a specific time. Yet.
This spring, I have noticed rambling rose bushes. Not the neatly trimmed variety where it’s obvious the gardener spends a great deal of time pruning and taking care. I’m talking the type that just grow. Rather wildly. For the longest time I’ve claimed I don’t like roses. That I’m a wildflower person. And I enjoy tulips. Peonies. Basically every flower except roses because they seem so formal and yet so ordinary. You can buy a dozen wrapped up in plastic at the grocery store. No thanks. I told myself if anyone ever gave me roses again I’d take it as a sure sign he doesn’t know me. At all. So thanks for the flowers but I’ll now get on with my day. But now…while I’m not hoping for a bouquet of roses…I feel a change. Strange? Probably but I am not exactly the most normal. I have come to enjoy the beauty. The flowers which, when observed from a distance seem stately yet up close are revealed as imperfect. They are flawed yet colorful. They smell uniquely like a rose and nothing else smells the same. So maybe they’re not so ordinary.
I had a difficult night of sleep a little over a week ago. Well, rephrasing, I generally have a difficult night of sleep in that I wake up every night in the middle of the night and stay awake a while. But on this particular night I remember specific emotions. Questions. One of those “cry out and hope God answers” situations which he rarely ever does. At least for me. I ask for an answer. And I don’t get one.
I’m not sure if the above makes sense. Not sure of the relevance. The rose paragraph. I suppose it means one can change. One can realize that beauty is found while taking a walk down the same street one has walked hundreds of times. Suddenly I see the bush and stop. Observe. Take a photo. The resident of the house comes home. Comments. And I don’t feel embarrassed because why not stop and admire?
I awoke though with a very specific thought. After the difficult night I referred to above. Before I imagined what the day would hold. Before I considered all the things I often consider when I first wake up and am still in my bed. And the thought gave me a great deal of relief. Mainly because it was an answer and like I mentioned previously…I rarely get an answer.
Despite the ridiculousness in doing so…I’m taking the rose bushes as a sign. That despite setting out on a course. Despite thinking I was headed in another direction. That my likes and dislikes and needs were of a certain variety. It’s alright to change. Change course. Change direction. Change what I feel and need. Change how and why I will grow.
Although upon further processing, the answer gives me hesitation. Concern. Because it’s in my opinion, the most difficult. Least logical. Not my original plan. Not one I would imagine anyone advising if they truly knew me. But that’s often the case, correct?
I am leery. Still apprehensive. Not completely settled in this. This answer of sorts. But it’s the only answer I have and it makes sense in my web filled mind. Although I still argue with God and ask him to change it because I might have misconstrued. So far, no other answer has come. So I proceed.
I came across this quote. On another blog someone else wrote. She took it from another website. That’s how these things work, right? Someone else’s story coincides with mine. Something someone else needs, despite it having absolutely nothing to do with what I need. Yet helpful to all who accept as thus.
The goal is to gain greater awareness of yourself on every level: what makes you tick and what makes you sick, what your passion and purpose are, what you want to express in your lifetime, and what makes you most fulfilled … When you wake up to the awareness of who and what you are, you can discover the confidence to live your way, the courage to make choices that serve you best, and the compassion to be kind to yourself along the way—a compassion that inevitably ripples outward to others. – Dr. Frank Lipman
In proceeding, I will wrap up a time period of my life which has been filled with uncertainty. People tell me to not be so hard on myself. Yet I’m disappointed in my own indecision. In how long I have lingered in a state of apprehension and reservation. My life though, when placed on a timeline, reveals I had no preparation to ever move forward on my own. So I give myself grace and realize I don’t have to be anyone other than me.
And if I have hereby decided I’m alright with roses, so be it.
Shakespeare because…why not?
‘AT CHRISTMAS I NO MORE DESIRE A ROSE
THAN WISH A SNOW IN MAY’S NEW-FANGLED MIRTH;
BUT LIKE OF EACH THING THAT IN SEASON GROWS.’
Love’s Labours Lost
‘OF ALL THE FLOWERS, METHINKS A ROSE IS BEST.’
The Two Noble Kinsmen