Upon a Sunny Day

Last Tuesday was my daughter’s twenty first birthday. I generally write a blog post on my kids’ birthdays but this year, I couldn’t bring myself to come up with anything which seemed right. So I waited.

June, for me, is not the easiest of months. I do not feel inclined to write all the whys. This June, like all the others, has had its share of ups and downs so far. But I have taken some risks. Done some brave things. And celebrated.

Here are two writings. Both have to do with June, the diamonds I had removed from an anniversary band and made into two sets of earrings, and my daughter’s birthday. More than that, both have to do with me. Where I am today, in my mind and heart. Thanks for reading.

diamonds

I picked them up a week ago Friday
and here’s the deal
I have never been much of a bling girl
give me turquoise
I like pearls
but I am again, not one who yearns for sparkles
I decided though
it was time for a redo
my daughter’s twenty first birthday
and a year in which I have told myself I need to afford myself a prize
a keepsake because I keep on
which, I am here to report, is not always simple
I took my ring out of my jewelry box
handed it to a jeweler
and a week later was handed back two sets of earrings
an anniversary band given once as an act of love
now deconstructed, as was the love
and made into something new
actually two somethings
I am pleased
I gave a set to my daughter
she is pleased
I have one diamond remaining
to be determined but someday I will probably
create once again something out of what is left
that is what my life has come to
or maybe always has been
creating something out of what is left
I like to recycle, refurbish, find beauty in what has been discarded
kind of my life’s motto, I suppose
make something pretty out of the ugly
my son once told me to move on from the beauty from ashes theme
not in a mean way, I think he was trying to help
and I probably should because it connotes sadness
death first, then life, instead of only unflinching joy and loveliness
not everyone has to deal
or not everyone is aware they might be dealing
I though, have experienced the words
“I know today is hard for you”
and I reply thank you, yes, it’s gotten easier
which is the gosh honest truth
but it will never be easy
it will never, ever be the same
because all the glue in the world cannot restore the fragile, once shattered
not words, not another, not even God because like Shakespeare said
what’s done is done
oh God heals, sure
but again, we cannot go back
I cannot go back and choose another ring or another giver
I can only march on
June is quite possibly the harshest of months
the reminder, year after year, that I failed at what I wanted most
but also the not subtle realization that my greatest beauty, my daughter
was born two days after
the sun shines in June and the longest day occurs
and I celebrate
my sister, my father, my own possibilities as I risk
I have done some brave things this month
I am pleased with myself for that
I excitedly await the new, I truly do
diamonds might be frivolous
but they were already mine
I just rearranged them
which is what I am striving to do with my mind and heart

for Allie…….

06.11.19

I mailed two diamonds
and kept two for myself
both sets mean something
probably not the same to you as to me
a brokenness ensues, yet beauty
which is what life is
stolen away from what we cling to
but awarded for doing so, the greatest of gifts
our own self
capable of what we imagine
you are, just that
capable
also imaginative
a mixture of light and gray
sunshine and fireflies
skyscrapers and a black ink pen
poured and stirred and given time
the outcome is striking
worth considering
beautiful in the simple and exemplary
I applaud you for chasing hope
regret I am not more helpful
although maybe I am more so than I believe
I adore you
more than anyone, perhaps, because in you I see me
a very literal viewpoint
of me, my mother, my sister at times
all the women
a reflection, introspective, yes, and vibrant
I am amazed at the likeness of all of us
and the differences, stark and bold
you are today, youth
tomorrow’s wisdom
somewhere in the middle you will find
yourself awaiting your own acceptance
I suggest you rush, embrace your own ambiguity
wear the diamonds, meantime
they contain the story of years
striving and strife, confusion and love
misguided messages built upon the past
a future though, in you that is brighter
be a stargazer, moon watcher, seize the night
the day will always follow
consider the brightness, always
in you and all around
you are my sunshine
my summertime restoration
you will never know the entirety of what you mean
today I celebrate
I am connected to you
that cannot change
despite labels and systems and distance
love yourself, your people, your life
create your own joy and follow your heart
today I hope you celebrate
all you are to those who know
you