wilderness and/or wasteland

Sunday morning pre 8am.
A car alarm goes off periodically this morning and I am unsure as to why the car owner doesn’t permanently handle this situation. Not quite like clockwork, as the times are intermittent, it continues. I’d prefer to not have the noise interruption, thank you.
I can’t decide if the word of the past week should be disappointment or frustration.
It’s hard to be upbeat when major life events must be postponed.
It’s hard to be upbeat when people you love are anxious and far away.
It’s hard to be upbeat when others are sick and their loved ones concerned.
And there goes the alarm again.
It’s hard to be upbeat when you’re doing your best and holding on but a child struggles greatly and you cannot help. Except to pray and even then.
The damn alarm.
What is wrong with that person? The car owner? It’s Sunday morning which is the worst time for an alarm to keep going off and now. Now in this ugly mess we’re all in, we just want to rest, alright? No one is breaking into your vehicle so for the love of humanity, do something. Because you’re in the type of neighborhood where someone could take this situation into his/her own hands. And that rattles me more than your stupid annoying alarm. So please. Just take care of this. Now.
It’s hard to be upbeat when the end is unclear. When life is put on hold.

I left my windows open all night and the wind. The wind blew and continues to blow. And if my weather app is correct. The entire day will be blustery and I wish. That the wind would blow all of this away.
And the alarm. Once again.
I almost cried on Friday when I walked the trash out. I hit that point though, beyond crying. The angst of many circumstances. The current one magnified much more but the current was enough to bring tears. Tears wouldn’t come though. I prepared that evening to do what I often do in these situations. I planned my escape to my go to place. Then found out my go to place is temporarily unattainable. Meaning I cannot go there. I can make the drive and listen to only songs featuring guitar solos but I cannot park and get out and walk into the forest. And though that was hardly the worst news of last week. It was the culmination and it hit. Hard. So much can be taken from me.
Yesterday I went to my neighborhood park instead and sat under a tree and came back with the semi permanence of sun on my skin, which will stay until next fall. I imagine.
Last week I took a walk utilizing a different route and discovered new things. Architecture and offices. It was a good exploration.
I’ve noticed cardinals outside my window. I can’t remember specific days. Only that it’s been two weeks.
I saw a homemade poster a teacher had made. In front of a house while I was running and it made me happy. A teacher trying her best to encourage her students. Teachers are not “bored” right now. Neither am I. I remember my mom saying, “I’ve never been bored a day in my life.” I doubt she is now, either. There is always something to do, right?
I find myself thinking about the ocean. Which is strange because I am nowhere near the ocean and yet. I ask myself why I am not. Which brings quick and obvious answers to mind but also more abstract.

The things of the world, are all going to pass.
Song lyrics from years and years ago. I revisited. Again, the ocean and this faint, faint feeling. Except then it equaled another life. And now. Well, here I am.
I remember walking home from work on certain days. We only had one car and I chose to walk. For the exercise and the sunshine. I just looked it up. It was a two mile walk. We lived in the apartment occupied the year before by someone who would later become a VIP. If you’re into that sort of thing. Kind of the same scenario, in that they’re no longer married. Either. And the girl who sang the above lyrics. Completely and totally opposite of the VIP and fairly opposite of me as well but she was there briefly with a blond headed boy who surfed and said little and now. Well, here I am. The ocean was two miles away then, as well.

Glimpses come and they leave again. The sun is shining now and the car alarm has thankfully been silenced. I just want the tears to come. Today would be a good day. Asked me what my heart says and it says the things of the world are gonna pass and I miss the ocean. I miss mountains. I miss the future. I miss walking down Chatsworth Boulevard thinking everything is ahead of me. My heart says to move ever closer. To keep walking. For once in my life, to be loyal to myself.

I walked around the corner and met her and she said she was surprised I didn’t drive and it makes me curious. What have I taught her if she thinks I would drive around the corner instead of simply. Walk?

The word of the week was either wilderness or wasteland. I’ll decide later.


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