traverse

doors closed

people are not as nice as we might think

should one follow ones heart?

doors left open

there is something to say about practicality

except the ordinary is just that

blasé

I’ve found the opposite requires a great deal of waiting

ironically

is how I celebrate

life can be, and for the most part is

bittersweet

and sometimes everything that makes me happy

also makes me sad


I made Monday {goal day} this school year. Meaning during the enrichment time I facilitate for students, on Mondays we do some sort of goal related activity. I love a good vision board and we’ve made a variety, depending on the season and where we are in the virtual vs the in person world of education. We’ve discussed organizational tips. We have utilized Canva. Oh, and Canvas. And we have talked about long term life goals like careers as well as short term goals like how to raise a not so great math grade. None of which is revolutionary but important stuff to have in front of oneself, I think.

This past Monday we did this sort of cloud activity where I had the students think of something they wanted to achieve or place they wanted to go. In other words…a goal. Put a cloud around it. Figuratively or on paper (which is better). Then create little surrounding clouds needed to reach that goal (meaning the steps one would take to achieve) and for whatever reason. I used Paris as my example. Which is interesting because if you’d asked me a year ago where in the world I’d choose to visit, I would not have chosen Paris. And honestly, still today, I don’t think it would be my number one on the list of where to go when I can go…Yet lately. As in the past six months or so. It seems I’ve watched television programs set there. And have read multiple books set there. And this has not been of my own design, it just sort of happened which makes me wonder if it’s not some grand scheme of the Universe to send me there. Not really…that’s a bit much. But I do think maybe it would be lovely. I also bought a Rifle Paper Co. desk calendar which featured Paris as the March city. Go figure. Then on Mad Men…not sure why I’ve started watching it. I thought it would be different. It’s darker than I expected but more on that later. Maybe. Anyway, during the episode I watched yesterday Don invited Midge to go to Paris with him, spur of the moment due to his receiving a bonus. Maybe it’s the appeal for writers and artists and though I’m hardly fully either…I like that world.

Maybe travel restrictions cause us to dream of what we normally would not.

I read this article this week. Actually a couple times. And I wish to share it with the world:

I feel like it describes the times. For me. A constant foggy haziness that leans toward sadness. It’s hard to be all in and I become annoyed with myself for that. I like to run but my knees have given me grief the last month or so. I’m finally feeling relief so hopefully I’ll be back to it. Soon. I’ve been walking. A good deal despite the pain. Not sure if that’s good or bad but I can’t imagine not. It’s a cycle though. Getting a little older. A few extra pounds. Sitting too much. Winter and it’s too cold. Knees start to hurt. Try a new exercise program. Too much too soon and boom. Let’s just sit here, shall we? And so I’ve worked really hard at wishing the pandemic pounds bon voyage but there is still the pre-pandemic to deal with and the languish and not really feeling like I want to run 2 miles through downtown. And wondering why any of it matters. At all. Which is silly because I know it does. For my own well being. A painting it’s taken me a year to complete. All the people out there discovering a pandemic love for baking bread. I’ve baked bread for years but this past year not so much. Possibly because of the pandemic pounds! Me considering, for five minutes, selling watercolor paintings on Etsy. Or bookmarks. But then the fog returns and I reconsider. Knowing I don’t want to take the time away from writing which is my stronger passion. I tell myself I need a project so I vow to slowly update my living space. And plant container tomatoes in May.

It’s an interesting concept. Languishing. I’m a delver of emotions. I suspect most people who spend a good deal of time writing and painting with watercolors are. It’s part of the makeup. There are times when I tell myself I am not going to. I sometimes give myself a weekend off. I tell myself I’m not delving. Not analyzing and journaling and trying to figure things out. Just relax and take a walk and watch television programs and keep everything on the surface. Not easy and sometimes, actually most of the time, I fail at this. Because, well it’s hard.

There are weeks when grief definitely hits harder. When memories and situations show themselves. There are days which call for celebration yet there’s a tinge of bitterness mixed into the cake’s frosting. Days when you want to help someone but your words and actions don’t measure up. Days in which I shout at myself to accept and follow the rules, despite.


my recent Paris list:

Emily in Paris (tv) … yes, I know it was criticized but it’s tv and we’re in a pandemic so relax

Lupin (tv)

French Exit, a book by Patrick deWitt

American Spy, a book by Lauren Wilkinson (not set in Paris but it does have French themes)

Mad, Bad & Dangerous to Know by Samira Ahmed, a YA book set in Paris

Flowers of Darkness, a book by Tatiana de Rosnay


My song of the week. Melancholy lyrics set to a catchy tune. What more could one want?

All my favorite songs are slow and sad
All my favorite people make me mad
Everything that feels so good is bad, bad, bad
All my favorite songs are slow and sad
I don't know what's wrong with me
I don't know what's wrong with me

I love parties, but I don't go
Then I feel bad when I stay home
'Cause I need a friend when I take a walk
I like spacin' out when somebody talks
I wanna be rich, but I feel guilty
I fall in love with everyone who hates me

Dreamy morning, walkin' alone by myself
Thinkin' about life, and tryin' to find my way through hell
Sometimes I wish I was on an island
But then I'd miss the sound of sirens






Songwriters: Rivers Cuomo / Ilsey Juber / Ben Johnson / Ashley Gorey

All My Favorite Songs lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.


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