packin’ up

I am moving. I haven’t exactly announced it to the world. Mainly because I’m not an announce it to the world kinda person. But, yes. Actually I guess what I am currently doing, in writing this, is announcing to the world…  After what seems years and years, but has really only been a few. I am finally leaving my house. It’s been a journey. Interestingly a journey that so far has taken me approximately one mile. Yes, I am relocating a mile. And that’s odd. Considering when I began this process, I figured I’d at least end up in Atlanta. Or Louisville. Or maybe Portland or Albuquerque. I thought about the northeast where both my kids are students. Really anywhere but here. Yet, here is where I’m at and here is where I’ll stay. Forever? Yet to be seen. But there is currently no reason to think I won’t. Which, to be honest, frightens me a bit. Because it seems the adventure I was anticipating might just happen. But it might surprisingly happen in familiar territory. Who knows?

Meanwhile. The above is fodder for another day. The entire process of it all anyway. How I got from here to there which is actually still here. Again, meanwhile. I’ve started packing because I get the key to my apartment next week. And while I won’t move the entirety of my belongings next week, I do hope to be ready soon thereafter. Therefore, the packing. The piles. The sorting.

Sorting is hard. Memories. Cue up the song from Cats. Which is actually “Memory”. The words. All alone in the moonlight. Kinda how I’m feeling. Because years and years of photos and mementos of bygone days. Can get to a person. Even if the person is in a healthy state. Which I’m not sure I am. I assure you I’m alright. Yet. Cards from special days. Anniversaries and birthdays and I wonder why in the world I still have this stuff? Oh yes. Because I chose not to deal with it. Until I absolutely needed to. Which is today. Before I move my life one mile down the road. I need to sort through the “stuff” stored in my closet and throw a bunch away. Because there is no need to keep it all.

Strange. But true. A reminder, once again, that I am not anywhere near where I expected to be. And yes, that does to a degree make me sad. And happy at the same time. Because I am free. I decided on my own, where to relocate. I signed the deposit check. I will pay the rent. Alone. And that’s reassuring, sure.

I came across a photo and I had absolutely no recollection of who the people in it are. None. An NBA program which reminded me of a suburban lifestyle outside Dallas. Sports photos of my kids. Awards they received in school. Report cards. A photo of the house I grew up in. A photo of my great grandma. My dad’s dad who I only met once. Yet I again share his last name. Things which make you ponder.

Sorry, but I’m unsure as to who you are!

Maybe it’s all the stories. All the years of accomplishments and events. Vacations, funerals, camping trips. The three dogs I’ve had in my lifetime. The stories of people and how somehow they are all connected to me. Or once were.

I have sorted through the best I can. Put a great deal in the recycling bin. Consolidated years into a few containers. And cried a bit. I should probably just listen to Stevie Nicks sing “Landslide” thirty two times in a row and get on with it.

While it might sound as if I’m in a depressed state, stuck somewhere in 2002, I am not. I am excited to move forward. I am focusing on today. Because if nothing else, today has about 1000 details to keep me busy. I have many positive things in my life and there is evidence of that. But I’m realizing more and more, there are situations I might never “get over”. Moving on doesn’t have to equal getting over. It does equal leaving behind though. Putting things where they belong. In a box. In the past. In a happy memory. Or a not so happy memory. File it all away in my mind or a crate and prepare myself for the next phase. Which I have no reason to believe will not be good.

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