Written for the most part Saturday morning. Photos/videos added after the fact.
Today I plan to escape. Not forever. Not even for a day. Just hours. Driving and listening to whatever I choose to listen to. Yes, I created a playlist. And you wouldn’t like it. Oh, some of you would. But I won’t name names. And who knows…I might just choose to listen to jazz. Depends on my mood, I suppose.
It’s going to be sunny today and I can’t help myself. I must go. To the place I go when I can. When I must. And today I must. I don’t plan to take care of any business. No resolution to be found. No answers awaiting me. I honestly wish I could stop thinking for a while. Impossible, yet. If someone could invent mind vacations…that would be the greatest thing. Come to think of it…I guess there is such a thing but not so healthy…
Next week I get a mini vacation. Three days away. Visiting my daughter. Days which will be very different from today. Yet similar in the helpfulness.
Sometimes I’m not sure of much of anything. Voices. So many voices. Often just wanting to selfishly be heard. Excuses. Reasons. My own excuses and reasons. I grow tired of myself. Which is quite possibly why today I’ve planned an escape. Hopefully I’ll return with a better disposition. Funny, really. Because I’m not going to change in four hours time. Or perhaps I will.
The distance between brokenness and total healing is a million miles. And I’m not sure anyone ever reaches that destination. This week has reminded me of my own need for…something. Healing, sure. I chose the word {heal} as one to focus on during Lent. But the word seems to encompass so absolutely much. Hence the need for escape. Run away from it? From the pain. Or run fully in so as to conquer? I feel as though I’ve done a bit of both this week.
Meaning I’m not truly {escaping} today. I’m merely taking a break. Going to a favorite place. Alone. Because I need to. My body and my mind require it. Like a magnet I’m pulled. Just like I’m pulled to the things which hurt me and I must avoid.
This week there were so many reminders of what needs to be dealt with. Kids. Violence. Choices. Selfishness. Fear. Rejection. Abandonment. Lies. Truth. Love. Power. Babble. Endless, endless babble because none of us. I repeat…none of us. Know exactly.
Yeah, that’s purely opinion which shouldn’t be stated as fact. But it’s my blog so I allow myself the freedom. Anyway, I go. Drive. Hike. Hum a tune. Enjoy a view and the sunshine. Thankful for an opportunity.
It hit me suddenly. The realization. Give it time. Don’t underestimate. Past regrets. Note the plural. Looking back I wish and now. Now presented again…don’t get ahead of myself. Just breathe. Deep and full and knowing. It’s gonna take some time. But again the magnet. Pulled back to the world I belong in. One more time…the world I belong in.
Meshed together the lyrics make an ironically decent…I’m not sure what. Figure out all the titles on your own and I {might} send you $10.
There’s got to be something better than
In the middle
And take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
And moss grows fat on a rolling stone
But, that’s not how it used to be
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
Thought of you as my mountaintop
Thought of you as my peak
Thought of you as everything
I’ve had, but couldn’t keep
You can’t start a fire sitting ’round crying over a broken heart
Someone told me there’s a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair
Let’s make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane
I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I’ll end up well I think
Only God really knows
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free
Lighten up while you still can
Don’t even try to understand
Leave me never
The only time I feel alright is by your side
I wonder how you’re feeling
There’s ringing in my ears
And no one to relate to except the sea
Stuck in the middle with you
How does it feel, how does it feel?
To be on your own, with no direction home
Upon a Sunny Day 