March. It’s snowing. March third and it’s snowing. My world outside is white. I bought some flowers today, which is now my habit. When I go to the grocery store, I purchase fresh flowers. I generally spend $3.99 and my pick of the week varies. Some people like to treat themselves to coffee. Some like the McDonald’s drive thru and fountain drinks. I like flowers. This week’s? I almost purchased a bouquet of pink. In case you didn’t know…pink is currently big. As in fashion. Look for pink clothes this spring and summer. Even now as winter winds down. Sweaters. Other pieces. And I’m glad. Because for the majority of my life. Pink was my favorite color. That bothers some people. Not that anyone really cares about my favorite color. But there’s a contingency of women who swear off pink as too girly. So be it. Meanwhile…my flowers. Like I stated above, I almost came home with pink but decided upon another hue. More of a lavender I’d say. Oh some would say it’s still pink. But I assure you these flowers are not.
Wednesday is Ash Wednesday. And I cannot make it to my church’s special service. Which does not make me happy. Because I enjoy the facts. That I came from the dirt and will return. I like having the cross formed upon my forehead and I like the sadness. The cold starkness of humanity. Which yes, sounds dark and gray and not so lovely. But that’s what it’s all about. The reminder. Ashes to ashes. Important stuff.
I think one of the hardest stretches of the year is the six weeks of Lent. The wrap up of cold and dreary. The promise that the sun is going to shine bright. That warmth and yellow will return. But when? We get bits and pieces but no solidity. Nothing substantial except the remembrance of the year before. The wavering. One day it’s cold and snowy. One day it’s warm.
I walked to church today. As I have every Sunday I’ve attended this winter except, I believe, one. It was snowing yet I walked. It’s a form of discipline for me. Strange but true. Most people drive. Everywhere. I prefer to walk as often as I can. Which leads me to all types of thoughts. What if? I could walk to…
What if? I could…Questions are dangerous and not so reassuring. Time keeps ticking and I am seemingly the same. When will I change? I look in the mirror and realize. I am changing. I have changed. But my mind tells me my queries are never changing. Finality is the thing I most crave. More than flowers. More than sunlight. More than all the colors combined. Maybe finality is all the colors combined. But it never arrives. Season after season and it never, ever comes. So I continue. Wearing pink and longing for the day my yellow dress will show itself again.
My favorite color is turquoise. Color of the jewelry my parents gave me years and years ago. I still have it. My eyes are green but the kind of green that tends to look blue and not brown. And March is green. Even though today it’s white. March is green and my favorite color is. You know. And that’s why finality will never, ever come.