be me

January. Is honestly the month I like the least. It represents, to me personally, beginnings and endings. I will not go into the details. I will not go through, year by year, and tell you why I feel this way. In actuality, it’s really all meshed together now in my mind. Some particular dates and events. Some happy thoughts. Some, let’s say, not so much. And January, well January, equals winter. Winter in all its glory. And I am not a fan. Of winter. Unless we’re talking winter in a place with temperatures reaching 75 degrees. Otherwise, winter can just pass quickly, thanks.

Tonight I sit on my bed and type. Listening to my Beatles playlist. Making myself make myself dinner. Let me rephrase. Forcing myself to prepare food. A winter storm is supposedly on its way. Well, the rain phase of the storm is here. I visited the grocery store this afternoon. Not because I feared being stuck in my home for days on end sans white bread and milk. I honestly loathe white bread and milk. I am more of a nice cheese and some red wine kinda person. Because let’s be real. If one is trapped inside ones house for multiple days, why in the world would one want to eat ordinary white bread and drink ordinary milk? Get something a bit more exciting, for heaven’s sake. Right? Anyway. I never have had an affinity for ordinary foods so I guess I am odd. Or, a better way to put it if I am practicing self love is…unique.

The point of this post, hence the title, is me being me. I have not listed out a bunch of new year resolutions. I have not charted out my course for 2018. I’ve had some thoughts. I’ve considered some things I should change, deal with, add, subtract, yada yada yada.

But. I believe the biggest item to accomplish is to be me. Now, that sounds like a simple goal, correct? Be myself. But. Again, a but. One must know who one is in order to be oneself, I’d say. Otherwise, one is being someone else. Someone who does not exist.

I lived a day last week which wasn’t particularly great. The day I drove my daughter to the airport, ending her holiday break. A January day in which I experienced some disappointment. I did what I often do and listened to my go to sad song. Which I realize to some is not truly a sad song…but to me. Well anyway. Here are a couple lines which fit today’s writing.

I’m so alone, and I feel just like somebody else

Man, I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same

We talk about celebrities recreating themselves every so many years. Having a big comeback type thing. New year. New you. I’m not so sure that’s what I’m talking about. Not becoming a recreated me. But being the me I know I am but am at times afraid to be. Because it’s too awfully real.

This past week and a half. I have had many, many emotions. I confessed a bit to some friends about my diet and my fears of eating too little and eating too much. Body image and so forth. I considered, as I sat in a court room waiting to be called up by a judge, why I have to deal with a name change. The knowledge my maiden name is my correct name. Yet the thoughts that sometimes surface. Failure. Brokenness. Lack. I created an additional Instagram account this week. Which sounds trite. But the purpose is to promote my writing. Perhaps other things I create as well. Me things. Opening up a part of myself.

I had a few days this past week in which I believe I succeeded. I was me. Fully me. Full of frailties and insecurities. But also capable and helpful and open.

I have turned off The Beatles. The storm has moved in, bringing more than rain. Yet to be determined how intense the weather will be. Things I can control. And those which I cannot. Created to be someone. We all are. And I know who I am, for the most part. It’s in the everyday being I find difficulty. Sometimes. Expectations from inside and out. The world’s a stage and life is a cabaret. Thanks Shakespeare and Liza. Acting in true to life character though. That’s the kicker.

Being. Myself. Instead of.

sad song quoted above is One Headlight by Jakob Dylan / The Wallflowers

“All the world’s a stage” is from As You Like It a play by William Shakespeare

“Life is a Cabaret” is by Kander and Ebb…famously sung by Liza Minnelli in Cabaret

my new/additional Instagram account because I know you are interested:  uponasunnyday

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