June 9, which was yesterday, is my wedding anniversary. Tomorrow, June 11, is my daughter’s fifteenth birthday.
In a small way, it seems significant to me that this day is smashed between two very important days in the life of our family.
Graduating college is an accomplishment. It’s something to be glad about, something worth congratulating yourself over. Yet the accomplishment is shadowed, as it should be, my the importance of marriage and family.
Yet, they’re also inner-twined. Had I not gone to college, I would not have met the man I married. Had I not married him, my daughter would not exist. Sure, I could have merely attended college, not completed the hours required for a Bachelor of Arts. But I expected to graduate college throughout childhood. My parents, in a purely positive way, expected the same of me.
If you’ve read many of my posts, you know I struggle with [enough]. Am I doing enough? Am I being enough? Have I accomplished enough? On an anniversary like today, it’s hard not to reflect. It’s difficult to not compare and analyze and yell at myself [inside my head/not aloud], “get it together and do something!”
While I have accomplished lots in my marriage [I believe we’re in a strong place] and have done likewise with my daughter and son, I struggle often with my lack of career goals met. Sure, I fully believe you simply can’t have it all. And I don’t desire the world’s definition of that. Yet, especially as my children age and move on, I feel ready to expand my horizons. And I realize the stereotypical saga of the mid life crisis isn’t solely a male ordeal, even though men are usually the ones driving around at fifty, bald, in a convertible.
Yet, I find it something to ponder. I’m middle aged. I haven’t done a lot, professionally. And I’m looking at about 20 years ahead of me in which I’ll need to work. At least. The things I really like doing either don’t pay adequately, or I don’t have the experience to land where I’d like.
Plus, I’m a dabbler. I like what I do currently. But I also like writing. Hence my blog. I like making crafts. I like baking. I like reading. A lot. I like keeping up with the Cincinnati Art Museum and the Art Museum of UK [Univ of KY], and I even follow the Guggenheim via Twitter. I could survive easily without a television, but if forced to choose one channel, would most likely choose PBS [my Downton weakness, plus they show some wonderful live concerts]. I like free community music events and I feel an urgent need to live in the less desirable part of my city. I’m all for social justice.
I put it all together in my mind and I have no clue where I’ll end up or if I’ll remain the same. And I realize much of it, a huge part of it, has to do with what this day symbolically is sandwiched between. A husband and a daughter. Where they go and how and why has a big impact on me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.